The layers of damage from abuse
The recent Netflix TV Show, Love Con Revenge has been as captivating and terrifying as the hit “Tinder Swindler”. Streaming services such as Netflix are masterminds at producing content that shines a light on some of the most difficult aspects of human behaviour. I have watched it with horror and sadness, as it exposes the vulnerability of victims of crime and abuse, perpetrated by those they were conned to believe they could trust.
It makes me reflect on the layers of damage that occur, not only from the actual criminal behaviour, loss of finances and financial ruin but from the initial behaviours designed to manipulate a person merely looking to meet a potential partner on a dating app.
When I interview victims of all forms of abuse I note that often the hardest part of their ordeal is the steps perpetrators took to win them over, make them feel special or make gestures to impress that they could be trusted. Whether it’s in a romantic situation, or in a relationship where there is a mismatch of power and authority, the deliberate and purposeful behaviours that lead up to the acts of crime can be the most destroying.
Because, they leave the victim feeling confused, ashamed and often very unwilling to trust again.
Humans read emotions and behaviours as part of inherent instincts. A gesture of kindness, words of praise or compliments and displays of affection are taken at face value. After perpetrators are discovered and exposed either on a TV show or in the media, outrage is expressed and then the questions begin. How did they get away with this for so long? And how did we not notice?
Victims in either situation are often blamed by others too, and they can be just as harsh and critical on themselves. It is imperative at these times to remember that perpetrators who commit these crimes are masterminds at manipulation and have used a specific pattern, often towards multiple victims while honing their craft, becoming more brazen, until they are finally caught. They are experts who hide in plain sight, read people in order to work out how to get what they want, and then pursue.
When the victim is a child it is heinous. Children are born to believe they can trust others, and take people on face value. Perpetrators who prey on children generally know which ones are more vulnerable, often because of other aspects in their life that might not be going so well, such as an unhappy home life where parents aren’t available or attentive to their welfare. Attention and praise from a footy coach, or a school teacher when a child is feeling anxious and unseen will be welcomed and sought out, before the abuse begins.
Similarly, people venture onto dating apps as there are so few ways to meet people organically anymore. And, often they are there for the right reasons, because they want to meet somebody they can spend time with and feel special. They may be very successful in other areas of their life but miss intimacy and connection. They are often lonely. They are perfect candidates to be groomed, violated and abused.
Violation of trust is one thing, leaving a lesson that people can’t be trusted even more pervasive and damaging. The irony is that grooming preys on the instinctual need we all have for connection, to be seen and to be understood. Abuse destroys connection, and leaves people more mistrusting than ever, even more wary of trying again. Parents tell children that grown ups can’t be trusted. Friends tell each other that sinister people lurk on dating apps. Victims of abuse isolate themselves and don’t tell anybody what happened because of fear of judgement and inappropriate shame. They can respond in dramatic ways, develop mental illness and experience terrible distress.
Perhaps a more balanced view is to remember that perpetrators of all types of abuse exist in society and will hide in plain sight in an environment that facilitates their access to their victims. It is a horrible fact that perpetrators will offend. But it’s our role as individuals and as a society to remain vigilant and to respond swiftly when offending is noticed or has been reported. Victims must be believed and for recovery to occur, we must be mindful that there are layers to the pain they are experiencing. Some won’t be expressed but it should be presumed to be there.
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